Kickazzbitch

I’m getting antsy. Sigh.
I have not been to the States in 2 years and I’m trying to fight off the restlessness. Even WOW is boring to me now.
I don’t know. I’m lost.
I’m here at the office getting bored. I wish I had something to do. I am SO efficient that all I have left to do is file papers. Gawd, it’s the most boring job in world!
My husband is swamped. He is struggling with law school and work. He doesn’t have time to deal with me right now. I get that. So I’m lost.
I arrived home at 7pm last night. Had dinner with the in-laws. Surfed the net. Went to bed. While I was lying in bed, he was still playing WOW.
I have only spoken 5 sentences to him since last night. Does he notice? No. hmmmm yeah ok then…..
I’m bored. I have another project to give to school next week and I don’t fucking care.
I need a vacation.
I need a friend.
I need my sister.
Sigh.
I’m trying to gather some enthusiasm for our Hongkong trip this summer. I don’t think that’s gonna happen honestly. Not without me pushing for it. And I don’t want to. I’m tired of pushing. I’m tired of planning for it. I’m tired of researching.
I’m just tired.
I’m tired of talking to my husband who dosn’t listen.
I’m tired of waking up at 6am every morning to go to work.
I’m tired of dealing with people I don’t wanna deal with.
This restlessness is killing me.
I should go visit my family.
I miss my sisters.
Oh wait, I gave up my green card for my husband who is too busy to listen. Sigh.
I’m lost.
I’m sad.
And I’m stuck here.
What to do……

I have been very busy lately, as I always am. The daily grind has been getting to me. On the upside I topped the MBA dean’s list, which basically means I got the highest GPA last semester. It wasn’t a big deal for me. It was my classmates who told me. Hehe The recognition ceremony could have been done ages ago, I don’t know. I know I get good grades. I’m not competitive though, but I always try my best. I always expect myself to do good in everything. Hence, the obsessive perfectionist. My husband is the absent-minded genius. Great pair we make. He tells me his unheard of ideas. I ground him back to earth with operational details. He tells me his philosophies, I negate them with cynical realism. Eeeek.

Anyway, I’m studying for this report I’m supposed to give to my Organizational Development class later and the set of activities that Sheena and I planned to give. I’ve also been reading up on Capital Budgeting for Managerial Accounting. Big screw up on that one. In the only case that we weren’t able to discuss as a group, the leader printed out the answers and it turned out, the other groud had exactly the same. Our teacher confronted us in class about it. GAWD! Didn’t know anything about it. Had I known, I would have made the case myself honestly, even though I had another presentation to make that same day. We wrote a letter to our teacher. Aside from that, I don’t know exactly what can be done. We’re all waiting on whether he’ll let us pass or not.

I can’t wait for this semester to end. I just wanna enjoy my summer vacation now!

I have been struggling with what to write in this blog for the longest time. Two days after my last post, John had a car accident. He’s fine, thank God, the car is a wreck but it made me realize how short our life truly is, and that no matter what we do, we never really have any control over what happens to us.

It’s my Midterm exam for Managerial Acounting this Saturday. It is without a doubt the toughest subject in my MBA, but I’m not even feeling any pressure towards it at all. In my head, I know I have to study to get a good grade, but my heart is not really in it. For so long, I have studied hard, exceled at whatever I did and now I’m realizing that exceling isn’t enough anymore.

I’m getting that restlessness again. And it scares me.

I feel like what I do is meaningless. I used to think that having a good job that pays very well was enough, that getting my Master’s is enough, that having a wonderful husband is enough. But it’s not. Something is still missing. I still feel lonely.

When John had that accident, afterwards we did seriously consider having children. We still are. I don’t think I can handle it though. I’m getting 5 hours a sleep every night. I’m not eating healthy. I’m always stressed. It just doesn’t seem like the right time to be carrying a child. When we decide to have children, I want to be physically and emotionally prepared for it. It will be a conscious decision for us because I can’t get pregnant naturally and I don’t know what difficulties we will face because of it, but when we do want it, I want to be completely focused on it and nothing else.

The truth is, much as I want to make money to live and raise my children, I also want to go back to my Psychology roots. I know I probably would have been a doctor, if my parents hadn’t decided to migrate to the States back in High school.

I want my life to mean something. I don’t want to spend it making money to tell you the truth, but it seems I have fallen into the trap of normalcy.

After my MBA, I plan to look into options where I can squeeze in some kind of civic/outreach program, where I can donate my time, since I don’t have money to give anyway. Just the thought is making me feel better already.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

I don’t know why I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I feel so lonely. It’s tough balancing my job, my MBA and my husband. Oftentimes John and I only have time to eat and sleep when I get home from work. Maybe it’s because of WOW. John’s more addicted to it than I am. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t listen to me, not really. He only does it when he knows I’ll get mad if he doesn’t. Are all men innately selfish? I feel like it’s part of their nature and requires obvious effort to curb it. I don’t know. I don’t like feeling that my husband is all I have. I mean with my family in the States and in Silay (who I see for 3 hours every two weeks) it’s no wonder I don’t have anyone to talk to. Except for John, who has his own world. Spending time together feels like it has to be scheduled. I hate it. The truth is, I’d also like to talk to someone else aside from him. I don’t want to depend on him for everything. His emotional quotient is 3 out of 10, his social sensitivity a 4 and his ability to empathize a 2. Every time I talk to him he thinks I’m asking him to solve my problems for me. I’ve told him so many times I just want him to listen. No he doesn’t listen. If he did, he’ll stop telling me what to do with my life everytime I’m venting. I mean it’s called venting for a reason and it’s called a sympathetic ear for a reason.

I grew up being the strong one, a fucking rock. I’m tired sometimes you know. Apparently that hasn’t changed in my marriage either. I still have to be the strong one, leading my husband along. I’m the one who comforts him, cheers his efforts, gives him advise, makes him feel better about himself. Can he do that to me? No. Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t know. But when I’m down, he can’t cheer me up. He can’t make me feel better. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice that I’m feeling bad. Men are so absurdly clueless sometimes, it’s not even funny.

I just feel so goddamn tired.

I’m sure everyone has days when they screw up one thing after another. I’ve never had it go on for weeks though. I’m taking this Managerial Accounting class and for the life of me, it seems more like Chinese. I don’t understand a thing and this teacher that we have isn’t making it any easier. Every meeeting we have is another chance for me to fail this subject and I am so sick and tired and despressed of not knowing shit. I hate it. I hate being incompetent. I need to get good grades and I’m afraid that this subject will disqualify me from getting honors. Why is getting honors so important to me? Because I need to feel that the three years I spent taking my master’s actually mean something. Because anyone can get an MBA but not everyone can graduate with honors. I need to get a 1.5 on this subject and it’s kinda hard when I have absolutely no idea what is going on in class. I hate feeling so stupid but I do. I can’t be stupid. I happen to have Superior IQ, so what is the problem???AARGH

So I got my license last Friday. Wohoo! I can now officially drive!

I also got something else from the LTO last Friday and it was some kind of allergic reaction to either the heat or the swarms of people there. After I came home from the LTO, had a splitting headache and then woke up the next day with a sore throat, just like that. So I’m on antibacterial meds and asthma meds at the moment coupled with my eczema meds. I can hardly see my eyes from the moon face and have been wondering lately who the hell that fat woman is looking back at me through the mirror. It’s insane I tell ya!