Kickazzbitch

Yesterday was John’s mom’s birthday. We all chipped in to give her a bag, a container set, and rose potpourri. We’re all glad she liked it. We had spaghetti and chicken for lunch. We also had dinner at Bigby’s. For some reason, I ordered Carbonara with bacon and grilled chicken on top, which is kind of what I had for lunch. Hehehe that’s weird…
It was a fun and stomach-filled evening. I felt like all the blood rushed to my head and was always on the verge of barfing..but hey, you only feel like a stuffed, basted and ready to bake turkey once!

Xxx

Been thinking about weddings a lot lately…hmmmm…maybe because John and I have begun to make tentative plans about ours. If anyone asks, here’s my dream wedding….
*switch to daydreaming mode*

I’m standing on a white sandy beach, wearing a white dress that seemed to go with the breeze. My hair is loose, crowned with white flowers. I am barefoot and I could feel the sand beneath my feet. There are about 30 people present, close friends and family. The wedding song would play but instead of the traditional march, a reggae rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, complete with an acoustic guitar playing. (Listen to 50 First Dates soundtrack. Israel Kamakawiwo’ole version of the song for inspiration.) I walk down the aisle. John is waiting for me with the priest at the end of the aisle. He is smiling and so am I. I try to walk with one hand on the bouquet of white roses and the other raising my skirt a bit so that I could walk. What the heck! I’m a little clumsy. I reach the aisle at last, wobbling a little bit. Now John is really grinning! Too late to change your mind, buster! We say our vows. It is sunset and I see the sky change its colors, even the water had strands of orange and golden yellow on it. I look into his eyes and see promise. I am married. I have bound myself to him. And we kiss.

*back to reality*
Of course real life doesn’t turn out like that. John for one thing didn’t like the song. He handed the head phones back to me within 10 seconds. We’re getting married in a church because it might rain. And I am wearing shoes to my wedding, because frankly, if I didn’t people will think me weird… yeah reality sucks sometimes. But there is still love. That’s the whole point really. *Sigh* But still…

I’ve been so swamped with work lately that I’m beginning to feel like a zombie. I like Mondays. I’m energetic, enthusiastic, ready to face the world. Saturdays are the hardest. I feel like a log on Saturdays, going narcoleptic in front of my computer most of the time, doubling my dose of coffee to perk me up. (yeah I know, I know it’s bad.) I love Sundays! Sundays are ME time. I love hanging around the house in the clothes I slept in, flipping channels, eating junk food whenever I want to. Sigh.

xxx

Just discovered Yellowcard last month, courtesy of my good friend Pia. Love their songs! Here’s one in particular I play over and over again….

“Back Home”

Another starry night in Californ-i-a
I’m sure back home they’d love to see it
But they don’t know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Of course it sounds even better when they play it. This song reminds me of why I am here. It’s so true of California. However, I’ve been missing my family there lately. Another sigh.

I was about 10 when I met L. You can say we grew up together. We were in the same class all our lives. He was in the student government with me. We were in the band together, me playing the keyboards, him the lead guitar. He even gave me this book on how to play the instrument. We would play for the mass in our school as well. We both grew up with glasses and had to contend with being called “four eyes” all the time. It was one of our bonding things. Another was that we were born on the same month of the same year, me Sept. 6 and him Sept. 9. We never forget each other’s birthday.

L was a quiet kind of guy. Brooding, you may call it. He was an only child and you know what that entails. He had a good soul, drifted a little bit and was the smartest guy in our class. He never really believed in himself though.

What started out as like became friendship with time. We would talk on the phone for hours. When I cried one time, he was there to give me a big hug. I’ll never forget that. He courted my best friend soon and I was there to help him out. He sucked at the whole courting thing. He was like a brother to me as all the guys in the band are.

While we were close during high school, we drifted apart when we were in college. He took Engineering in another university and I took Psychology in another. What news I have of him I’d get from classmates I saw in school. When he shifted to the same university I did, it was during my graduation year. By then it was too late to stay in contact. I had my own life and I guessed he had his We still talked like old friends did, but we never really made plans.

When he heard that I was graduating with honors, he went out of his way to shake my hand and tell me how proud he was of me.. He was never showy with how he felt and that gesture, I knew meant something. Thinking about that moment now is enough to make me bawl.

The last time I saw him was graduation day, March last year. We had our picture taken together with smiles on our faces right after the ceremony. He wasn’t graduating but supported his friends who were. That picture has now become priceless.

I received a text message yesterday that L had committed suicide. His best friend found him hanging in their terrace with an electrical cord around his neck. He died at the age of 21 and nobody knows why he did it.

So yeah I have to start blogging again or else this page is DEAD…hmmmm to continue with the story of my life…I went back to the Phils. Got a supervisory job, had pneumonia, got admitted to a hospital, had to quit that job, rested a little bit, and got another job. All in the space of four months Trust me it’s been an exciting year. A little too much in my opinion…right now I’m all for stable and dependable. My life hasn’t been boring in a long time.

You know I’m a very sickly person and a stubborn one too. When you put the two together what you really have is trouble. When I was 12, I had my first asthma attack. I had a 40 + degree fever for 2 weeks, a cough and cold. I was in bed the whole time and couldn’t eat anything but noodles and bread. I think that was because my throat was sore. My memory’s a little fuzzy. Anyway, I started wheezing and I could hardly breathe. I didn’t want to sleep at night because I was afraid I may not wake up the next day. I had chills and was covered in a thick blanket that didn’t help much really. I was hardly ever awake or aware of what was going on around me. I was always drifting in and out of consciousness. That was the second time that I thought I was gonna die.

The first time was when I was 4 years old. My two older cousins were looking after me and my 2-year-old sister for the day. We were walking home and my sister and the cousin who was holding her hand crossed the street. Now I wanted to go with them and I went and crossed the street on my own, which is something that a 4-year-old should never do by the way. The other cousin who I was with didn’t even realize that I was gone. Now it was about 6 pm that time and it was getting dark. This tricycle (if you don’t know what it is, you’ll have to look it up) comes and just bulldozes me. The driver was drunk. My right foot was stuck at the engine and I could feel stones grazing my back from the uncemented street. I was getting dragged down the street with my foot in the engine spewing blood whenever I try to free it! Needless to say, I was screaming my head off! I must have passed out at that point. The next thing I knew I was at the operating table. The doctor was trying to get the pieces of glass and debris stuck in my foot. Yeah the engine ate away a part of my flesh. Yes, it hurt like hell! I didn’t speak for weeks after that. It was very traumatizing for a child.

Experiences like these and the pneumonia I just had, all taught me though to accept death as a part of the universe that we exist in. I feel that I am more ready for it than people who never get sick and think that they are invincible. When you are brought face to face with your own mortality, you definitely have time to appreciate the little things. I look forward more to what I can do the next day and hope that I can make a difference in others. I am more aware of where my life is going and pay more attention to the things that are really important: the people we love, learning from life and just enjoying my stay in this world as much as I can…