I have just told John that we need to go to a church and have the date of our wedding reserved. There I was finally able to type it! The thought of getting married and the thought of marrying John have remained two entirely separate concepts in my mind. The institution of marriage per se has left me cynical. I just am about it. What with divorce, domestic abuse, getting married for the wrong reasons (e.g. money, ticking biological clock, unwanted pregnancy, etc.) all around me. I am not the marrying type. As a matter of fact, John will tell you first hand how commitment-phobic I am and how hard he tried to change that while we were going out. The thought of marriage made me feel trapped. I mean there can only be one person, that’s it till the day you die. And the truth is it’s scary when you put it that way. BUT the thought of marrying John is an entirely different matter. I am actually loking forward to waking up next to him in the morning in my pajamas, cooking breakfast, cuddle in front of the tv at night. It sounds fun! I look forward to our banter, to our personalities clashing and finally to be able to work together when we cook (Something we have never done, we try to wring each other’s neck in the process. Not pretty.) I look forward to backrubs, going on hikes, swimming together, getting lost when we travel (we’ve done that a lot!) And slowly my view on marriage is changing. It doesn’t sound so bad now.
When I think of getting married, my hands get clammy and my heart feels like it’s about to jump out of my chest. I feel like running. When I think about marrying JOHN (and for me there’s a difference), I feel calm…and safe…and cared for. Like all I need is to hold his hand, in the midst of the craziness in this world and I’ll be fine.
I had planned to have boyfriends and adopt when the time was right. Travel, do social work and build a house near one of the beaches in California. Be free my whole life. But now, all that’s changed. Ironically, I feel more free now with John than I ever did. I don’t regret changing my plans. So I guess that means I’m not running. hehehe