Kickazzbitch

We just got DSL at home this week, hehehe so you can bet on me posting more entries.

Sometimes I wonder if people actually read this thing, but what the hell, I think that I’ll look back on all the stuff I’ve written five years from now and laugh ( I hope). Life sure can get crazy.

I just got my desk again at work this week. The construction in the receiving area is finally almost done. Just the paint on the walls is missing.

Will be doing my part-time work this weekend. Phew! There’s a lot of stuff that I feel I need to do. Sometimes I get the urge to do it and not stop until I’ve finished. I don’t like deadlines hanging over my head. However, with all the reports due this week in my day job, it’s impossible to get anything done in my other job. The only time I have is at night…and I’m kinda required to sleep at night. I know I’m obsessing. I can’t help it. I need to get my work done this weekend!

Oh, John and I went to the Panaad Festival today. I really wish I brought my camera so that I can at least post pics, but I didn’t coz I didn’t know that the sights were actually good. They say this is the best year so far, so I’m hoping that next year will be better. We saw this like dancing mannequin thingies of the Sto. Nino with a group of black tribal people around him. I thought that was weird. One thing about Filipino culture is the mixing of old pagan rituals with Catholic symbols, isn’t it? The food was native, whatever that means. Native for me means the food they serve are stuff you can get anywhere in the island, if you know where to look. It’s a given they price higher there than outside the place. We walked around, enjoying the artificial waterfalls, sweating like pigs, admiring the hard wood furnitures and woven bags, smelling the smell of grilled chicken and pork. I turned to ask John then, “What is up with us having the urge to bbq everything?” I saw grilled eggs, grilled chicken, grilled pork, grilled intestines, grilled liver, grilled fish, grilled squid….sheesh. We had fun though, it’s like being a kid and exploring this place that comes alive only once every year. Cool! The place was really crowded though. It’s ironic how the main roads in Bacolod were clear instead.

Even though there was food everywhere and we had mango shake and peanuts (what a combination!), the smell of the grilled everything wasn’t enough to make us sit there and eat. Brick Pit is always a good idea, when you prefer airconditioning and peace and quiet.

I was watching MTV this weekend and I saw a sign that said “Summer Break”. I swear I blanked out on that one. I was like, “summer break?” And then it dawned on me. Oh yeah, summer break —- for students.

Do I miss being a student? No, not really. I love my job. I love working. It gives me my newfound independence. And I’m not willing to give it up again.

Will I start my Master’s this June? Probably, if all things fall into place as they should… I will. Why? Because I’m a Type A and not used to sitting on my ass. Type A, obssessive - compulsive with an impulse control disorder and partly masochistic. I have all the good stuff.

For some people feeling alive is bungee jumping off a bridge, living without provisions in some godforsaken jungle, rock climbing, etc. For me, it’s jumping into work. Any work. All kinds of work. It’s a thrill for me to stay up all night working on a project and passing it in the next morning with flying colors. It’s my thing. I like that I’m so busy I can hardly stand up straight from exhaustion. I love it. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I know what it spells —–OVERACHIEVER.

I’m so good at working, I don’t even notice when it’s too much. Ironically, it is John, who is more workaholic than me, who tells me to stop. I can’t help myself because it just feels good when I’ve finished something. That sense of accomplishment is my thrill, my rush.

Weird, but true.

BTW Mark, the guy Addison slept with is effing hot!!!!! When I watched the episode I had to put it on pause and walk around, burn energy and stuff because I swear I was fanning myself in that first scene. I had to stop the urge to call Pia in the middle of the day and scream that McSteamy is hot, hot, hot, hot, hoootttttt!!!!!! That would be pointless and redundant. So I spent 10 mins pacing and getting a hold of myself. But to quote:

Izzie: What is he doing suturing himself?

Christina: Turning me on…

Okay, so that made me feel better about ogling another guy even though I’m committed. But damn, he’s hot!

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was lying in bed exhausted but I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about life, in a very big way and I wondered what it would be like to die. What comes after? Where do we go? Do we remember anything at all?

In Buddhism, our souls go to a higher plane and we don’t remember anything until we are born again and make new memories. That bothers me of course. That would mean that I would have spent this life only to forget it in the end. It’s sad. I was raised a Catholic, so there is this belief in heaven and hell. But I’d like to think that the people around me will make it in heaven, despite their imperfections and so will I , because eternal damnation just doesn’t sound very nice. I’d like to think that God out there is sympathetic enough to let us in heaven no matter how imperfect we are, because let’s face it, it’s just sooo hard to be good.

Existential Angst sucks the most doesn’t it? And in that moment, in the middle of the night, with everyone else sleeping, I understood why some people just give up and kill themselves. Because if after this there is nothing, then why go on? What’s the point? So that we can change other people’s lives? I get that. But here’s the thing, I’d like to remember. I’d like to go on. Id like to think that I can look down on Earth and see my kids and grandkids, growing and living their lives. Being in Heaven for Eternity sounds like such a long time. Yes, I am human and the secrets of the universe cannot be comprehended by me and I can never know for sure what happens after death until that moment when I die. And then if there is nothing, I won’t even realize it, because I’ve ceased to exist. I mean, all this trouble for nothing?

Sigh. Faith is the answer, I know. But faith is so hard to find when you’re lying in a hospital bed, breathing through an oxygen mask, with tubes hanging over your arms, thinking about THE END. Trust me.

It’s hard and I don’t know what to do about it.

I have a vice. I try to hide it. I try to ignore it, but it’s as unignorable as eating and breathing. I’ve even tried not to blog about it. It’s a secret I keep, like sneaking off to my room with a bag of chips and a pint of ice cream. Now it’s even better, I sneak off to my room with a bag of chips, a pint of ice cream and Grey’s Anatomy. I am a junkie. When you’ve seen it 8 times, you’d think it’d be enough, but I’ve always had a problem with delaying gratification. Nobody taught me that.

Where do I even start? I never wanted to be this addicted, let me make that clear. I only wanted to see what the fuss was about when I decided to watch the first episode. But 20 mins. into the thing, I found myself screaming, “This is a great show!” And I was hooked.

Now I’m caught in the stories. Meredith, who can be really messed up sometimes. George, who I wanna kick in the groin for lacking in backbone sometimes. Izzie, who is so cute and so perky. Alex, who I wanna kick in the groin all the time. It’s a compulsion. Just when he redeems himself, he does something utterly bastardly. Addy, who played a tranny in CSI (thanks Pi, I’ll never get that out of my head) and who’s really nice deep down (what’s with the chocolate drink, woman? Doctors drink coffee. And why are your scrubs pink?) Dr. Webber, who is all cheifly and stuff. Bailey, who is really a Nazi. Burke who is all serious with a soft spot. Christina, whom I could just repeat what I said about Burke. And McDreamy. He makes me wanna swoon. Hehe And I’m not the swooning type.

Yep, I’m a fan. I’m obsessed and I can’t help it. Now I want more!