When I was a kid, I would dream about how I would be when I grew up. I would think about the freedom to wear make up, go out whenever I want to, earn my own money, travel…
Being an adult is sooooo not how I thought it would be.
Here I am in the conference room, eating lunch alone, listening to music to keep my face from falling into my plate. I’m sitting in front of this huge rectangle table that can seat 12 people. I’m alone, yet the table is full of my crap, notes littering the place, papers that need to be filed, on going reports that I have to get done by the end of the day, today’s newspaper unread, the phone book, the wireless phone, my cellphone, staplers, paperclips, a puncher, my notepad open with my list to do, peeking out underneath is a billing statement that I have to make a cash voucher for, brown envelopes with papers I need to go through, black pens scattered across the table….my half eaten lunch in front of me. This lunch by the way should have been eaten yesterday, I was out of the office though, attending a meeting with the company’s Executive Officers, which I made the presentation for the day before.
So here I am, with a thousand things to get done, staring at my lunch, fighting the urge to doze off and the only thing that I could think of is, “How the hell did I grow up? When did that happen? ” Yesterday I was in school, at the top of my class, worrying about getting straight As and getting a monthly alowance that’s just as much as I’m getting paid for now. I must have missed the memo.
I came home from work yesterday to find my family fighting over how to sell our land. Apparently, nobody knows what to do step by step. My grandmother and my aunt were screaming insults and I had to come between them, make a list of things to do in chronological order, specifically tell them what to do (You call this and that. You prepare the papers. ) My lola was like, “Tell the driver to pick you up because Sheila said so.” Wow man, who’s the boss in this house? Geez, I swear I was amazed when they followed everything I said. Then it hit me. I. AM. A. GROWN -UP. I wanted to tell her, “You’re the old person, you make the decisions. I’m 22 years old, what do I know?” The weight of being responsible for my family here, especially with this transaction that’s worth a lot of money, it’s scary.
My aunts and my mom abroad told me months ago, “Take care of them here. Make sure they don’t mess up.” That took me back to my childhood when being responsible for my sisters became second nature. But it’s different this time, because they are older than me, they should know better. I have a job to keep. They don’t.
Sigh* I am a grown up alright. I am a grown up and I am so very tired.