I don’t know why I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I feel so lonely. It’s tough balancing my job, my MBA and my husband. Oftentimes John and I only have time to eat and sleep when I get home from work. Maybe it’s because of WOW. John’s more addicted to it than I am. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t listen to me, not really. He only does it when he knows I’ll get mad if he doesn’t. Are all men innately selfish? I feel like it’s part of their nature and requires obvious effort to curb it. I don’t know. I don’t like feeling that my husband is all I have. I mean with my family in the States and in Silay (who I see for 3 hours every two weeks) it’s no wonder I don’t have anyone to talk to. Except for John, who has his own world. Spending time together feels like it has to be scheduled. I hate it. The truth is, I’d also like to talk to someone else aside from him. I don’t want to depend on him for everything. His emotional quotient is 3 out of 10, his social sensitivity a 4 and his ability to empathize a 2. Every time I talk to him he thinks I’m asking him to solve my problems for me. I’ve told him so many times I just want him to listen. No he doesn’t listen. If he did, he’ll stop telling me what to do with my life everytime I’m venting. I mean it’s called venting for a reason and it’s called a sympathetic ear for a reason.
I grew up being the strong one, a fucking rock. I’m tired sometimes you know. Apparently that hasn’t changed in my marriage either. I still have to be the strong one, leading my husband along. I’m the one who comforts him, cheers his efforts, gives him advise, makes him feel better about himself. Can he do that to me? No. Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t know. But when I’m down, he can’t cheer me up. He can’t make me feel better. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice that I’m feeling bad. Men are so absurdly clueless sometimes, it’s not even funny.
I just feel so goddamn tired.