I have been struggling with what to write in this blog for the longest time. Two days after my last post, John had a car accident. He’s fine, thank God, the car is a wreck but it made me realize how short our life truly is, and that no matter what we do, we never really have any control over what happens to us.
It’s my Midterm exam for Managerial Acounting this Saturday. It is without a doubt the toughest subject in my MBA, but I’m not even feeling any pressure towards it at all. In my head, I know I have to study to get a good grade, but my heart is not really in it. For so long, I have studied hard, exceled at whatever I did and now I’m realizing that exceling isn’t enough anymore.
I’m getting that restlessness again. And it scares me.
I feel like what I do is meaningless. I used to think that having a good job that pays very well was enough, that getting my Master’s is enough, that having a wonderful husband is enough. But it’s not. Something is still missing. I still feel lonely.
When John had that accident, afterwards we did seriously consider having children. We still are. I don’t think I can handle it though. I’m getting 5 hours a sleep every night. I’m not eating healthy. I’m always stressed. It just doesn’t seem like the right time to be carrying a child. When we decide to have children, I want to be physically and emotionally prepared for it. It will be a conscious decision for us because I can’t get pregnant naturally and I don’t know what difficulties we will face because of it, but when we do want it, I want to be completely focused on it and nothing else.
The truth is, much as I want to make money to live and raise my children, I also want to go back to my Psychology roots. I know I probably would have been a doctor, if my parents hadn’t decided to migrate to the States back in High school.
I want my life to mean something. I don’t want to spend it making money to tell you the truth, but it seems I have fallen into the trap of normalcy.
After my MBA, I plan to look into options where I can squeeze in some kind of civic/outreach program, where I can donate my time, since I don’t have money to give anyway. Just the thought is making me feel better already.
Maybe there’s hope for me yet.