Anyway, I’m studying for this report I’m supposed to give to my Organizational Development class later and the set of activities that Sheena and I planned to give. I’ve also been reading up on Capital Budgeting for Managerial Accounting. Big screw up on that one. In the only case that we weren’t able to discuss as a group, the leader printed out the answers and it turned out, the other groud had exactly the same. Our teacher confronted us in class about it. GAWD! Didn’t know anything about it. Had I known, I would have made the case myself honestly, even though I had another presentation to make that same day. We wrote a letter to our teacher. Aside from that, I don’t know exactly what can be done. We’re all waiting on whether he’ll let us pass or not.

I can’t wait for this semester to end. I just wanna enjoy my summer vacation now!

It’s my Midterm exam for Managerial Acounting this Saturday. It is without a doubt the toughest subject in my MBA, but I’m not even feeling any pressure towards it at all. In my head, I know I have to study to get a good grade, but my heart is not really in it. For so long, I have studied hard, exceled at whatever I did and now I’m realizing that exceling isn’t enough anymore.

I’m getting that restlessness again. And it scares me.

I feel like what I do is meaningless. I used to think that having a good job that pays very well was enough, that getting my Master’s is enough, that having a wonderful husband is enough. But it’s not. Something is still missing. I still feel lonely.

When John had that accident, afterwards we did seriously consider having children. We still are. I don’t think I can handle it though. I’m getting 5 hours a sleep every night. I’m not eating healthy. I’m always stressed. It just doesn’t seem like the right time to be carrying a child. When we decide to have children, I want to be physically and emotionally prepared for it. It will be a conscious decision for us because I can’t get pregnant naturally and I don’t know what difficulties we will face because of it, but when we do want it, I want to be completely focused on it and nothing else.

The truth is, much as I want to make money to live and raise my children, I also want to go back to my Psychology roots. I know I probably would have been a doctor, if my parents hadn’t decided to migrate to the States back in High school.

I want my life to mean something. I don’t want to spend it making money to tell you the truth, but it seems I have fallen into the trap of normalcy.

After my MBA, I plan to look into options where I can squeeze in some kind of civic/outreach program, where I can donate my time, since I don’t have money to give anyway. Just the thought is making me feel better already.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

I grew up being the strong one, a fucking rock. I’m tired sometimes you know. Apparently that hasn’t changed in my marriage either. I still have to be the strong one, leading my husband along. I’m the one who comforts him, cheers his efforts, gives him advise, makes him feel better about himself. Can he do that to me? No. Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t know. But when I’m down, he can’t cheer me up. He can’t make me feel better. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice that I’m feeling bad. Men are so absurdly clueless sometimes, it’s not even funny.

I just feel so goddamn tired.

I also got something else from the LTO last Friday and it was some kind of allergic reaction to either the heat or the swarms of people there. After I came home from the LTO, had a splitting headache and then woke up the next day with a sore throat, just like that. So I’m on antibacterial meds and asthma meds at the moment coupled with my eczema meds. I can hardly see my eyes from the moon face and have been wondering lately who the hell that fat woman is looking back at me through the mirror. It’s insane I tell ya!